I don't want to live a life of quiet desperation!

I keep coming back to the discussions starting to occur in my class... even though I've done the required work for the week already. Somehow I've stumbled onto something that I think is going to be fantastic. Here's a sample of Dr. Mednick's perspective as we all begin to discuss our feelings on the challenges faced by girls around the world, and the privilege that many of us lucked into through birth...

     It is okay to be doomed with a sense of conscience, to worry, to wrestle with the angels, to never 
     feel that you’ve done enough.  It is a driver; it’s what makes us human; it’s a charge we feel.   
     Don’t mean to sound like a Hallmark card, but I refuse to live a life of quiet desperation.  
     I suppose you don’t want to live one, either.  

We don't need people to give us permission to feel, and to feel about things that we can likely never fully comprehend or empathize about. It certainly is nice though to have someone recognize and validate how tough that place can be... even if it may not compare at all to the challenges some other people face.

"Outside my Window"

The Girls Education class that I am participating in through Canvas is a week-by-week class with reading assignments and discussion assignments to participate in. Because I have Mondays off, I did all my work for the week yesterday. Now, I'm just reading the other comments from all the hundreds of participants in our discussion for the week, posted by Dr. Mednick:

For over a decade and a half, I’ve been asking the same question of teachers, worldwide: “What do you see outside your window?  I've customized that question for classes I teach.  It's a great way to introduce oneself to others.

The responses have been amazing - pastoral scenes, brick walls, bars, a lack of a window, rain, the blur from trains, one from a peep hole in a military vehicle south of Baghdad. In 2000, their answers were so compelling that I dropped everything and founded Teachers Without Borders (Links to an external site.). Last year, I wrote the this piece (Links to an external site.) for a book I am titling: “Outside My Window:  Teachers Defying the Odds.”

THIS year, I want to include YOUR responses.  After all, there are a 1,000 of you.  So, here's the question again:  “What do you see outside your window?”  Start with what you actually see.  Then, try make to a connection to girls’ education.  That's when you can get metaphorical about it.  Let's say you describe a scene in which boys and girls are separated - walls, clusters of separated kids, for example.  Perhaps, then, you could describe what that feels like or what you'd like to see.

I can literally say that all the folks who have participated in this assignment to this point have had great insights to share, and all have been incredibly positive and supportive of each other. We have people in the class from all over the world - the US and Canada, central America, India, Pakistan, different places in Africa, Samoa, Australia.... It's incredible to hear each person's individual story.

I keep pondering one particular comment about the difference between education and empowerment, and that education does not necessarily always lead to empowerment. In many instances when we read media that explores the need for education for girls, it doesn't talk about the deeper need for empowerment... particularly something that would be challenging in male dominated cultures. One poster made the point that where she teaches (Samoa), she's experienced that education alone is not enough to change a male dominated culture - and educated women still may not be able to take action or have agency in the same way as men, even when men have less education.

I recently completed I am Malala - the autobiographical story of Malala Yousafzai. It was a wonderful book. I learned so much more about Pashtun culture and about Islam than I had expected - for instance the word for cousin is the same as the word for enemy (tarbur). What I am now realizing I missed is if she went deeper than education being the key to empowerment. I need to reread the book with this lens in place to see if she distinguishes between the two or if she automatically links the two.

I see in my own work with volunteers at the zoo, that education and empowerment are not always the same thing. What do you think? When are they the same thing and when are they different?

So, what do you see outside your window?

A New Experience - Finishing a MOOC?

Today I embark upon a journey that I hope will be successful. I will be participating in a massive, open, online course (MOOC) that runs from today through November 23rd, hosted by Canvas. It's about education of girls, is being run by the founder of Teachers Without Borders (Dr. Fred Mednick), it is partially inspired by Girl Rising and as a way to recognize the 3rd anniversary of the UN's International Day of the Girl Child on October 11th. 

I realize that to be able to be successful, I must define what that means to me. This is my second MOOC (and really my third-ever completely online course). One was test-driving a new online leadership course for WAGGGS (World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts), and I made it about halfway through. I'd already learned this content through a session at Nuestra Cabaña 2010 where I was the only young woman from the United States among the around 40 participants. That's hard to top, even when trying to do WAGGGS a favor to test a new course, and even though I was still 'meeting' women my age from around the world. So, I felt a lack of success in that course.

The second course I failed to complete was run through Canvas.net (which Educating Girls is being run through too) and was on the topic of water in the west (US specifically). The expectations of this course were gargantuan, and I never made it past the first assignment (to introduce myself to the class). A few volunteers from the zoo where I work took the class too (upon my advertisement of it!) and every time they came by to say hello and talk about the class I felt like a fool because I could not add any additional commentary. At least the volunteer who finished it all the way through commented on the huge expectations for the course too... and she's retired!

So, whatever the reasons, I have been one of those people who hasn't completed courses in the past. One of Dr. Mednick's comments in his introductory post to this class seemed to be speaking directly to me.

"They say that only 11% of the people who sign up for MOOCs (massive open online courses) actually finish the course. Let's do a lot better than that."

Yes please! I'm hoping that my strong interest in the subject will take me through and meet his goal for us. So, that's one way I'll know I succeeded - if I actually complete the course. This simple-sounding definition of success will certainly take a lot of resolve.

The second hope I have for this course, and a way that I will know I was successful is if I am able to start to generate more agency in myself to make a difference in this world for girls and women. I don't really know what this looks like yet - and I'm hoping this course may give me something that helps me find a path to follow.

I am so excited by the growing conversation about rights for women and girls. It feels like momentum is growing since the first time I saw The Girl Effect years ago (2010?). Perhaps this is just a reflection of the community I've built around myself - mirroring back my own interests (as we know Facebook is prone to do). Even if it is, I'll start with my enthusiasm, and hopefully begin to find small ways to take action.

Girl's World Forum!

In a very short time I will be on my way with two others to Chicago, for the Girl's World Forum!

What is the Girl's World Forum, you might ask?

To celebrate 100 years Girl Scouts and Girl Guiding, from 2010 to 2012 the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts has hosted a Forum each year. The first forum was in the UK. The Young Women's World Forum took place simultaneously at each of the 4 World Centers. The final forum is the Girls World Forum at which teenage girls are the participants, and those of us lucky enough to be in the 18-30 age range get to be the young women chaperones.

The World Forum by WAGGGS is a series of programs focused on the United Nations (UN) Millenium Development Goals (MDGs): 1 “End poverty and hunger”, 3 “Promote gender equality and empower women” and 7 “Environmental susustainability”, topics selected in consultation with young women."


 As you might imagine I'm extremely excited to participate in another WAGGGS event. The World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts is an umbrella organization to which Girl Scouts USA belongs, entitling those of us in Girl Scouts to participate in a host of amazing activities.


I participated in my first WAGGGS event in October 2010 - the WAGGGS Leadership Development Program that was centered around MDG 3. I did a ton of research before arriving and learned so much about leadership and women in leadership. I can't wait till I have a chance to learn more. I'm particularly excited about my role as chaperone, as it will stretch my comfort zone and allow me to help two young girls discover a wider world!

Spending Fast = extreme

Yeah... that means that I've been attempting a spending fast now for 2 months, and with Girl Scout cookie sales, dating someone new (and not living in the 50s), the spending fast is now the spending diet. Still trying to meet my savings goals, but not being too hard on myself if I do spend money outside my spending restrictions. We'll see how it goes!

One of my girls has reached her 1000 box goal for selling cookies this year. She'll be able to pay her way to Girl Scout camp this summer. Yeah, that feels good!

Groceries spending win!

While I've had a few falls in my quest for a spending fast, I have succeeded in one area this month! My food budget for groceries.

To start the year I allocated $225 for groceries. I hope to be lower than that, but my average spending last year was somewhere around $300 or so.

On this 4th Sunday of the month with only 9 more days to go (and a birthday dinner I promised to cook my dad next Saturday) I've only spent $121 on groceries! I'm about to go out and get provisions for the 9 days ahead, which are going to be pretty slim this week, and then later this week I need to get supplies to cook my dad a rocking dinner on Saturday. I think I can mark that as a win in the spending fast column!

New (free!) Desk!

A success!

I now realize that the blog I just posted rambled off a bit!

Anyways, point being is that I was up late getting frustrated over some Girl Scout stuff and woke up the next morning feeling like the living dead. It was enough justification to buy a chai tea.... But I bought more milk today so that impulse purchase won't happen again!

Also was super excited yesterday when taking out my recycling to discover a pretty good quality desk that someone had dropped off for the trash or for give-away. My apartment is awesome when it comes to freebes - in fact, the 'desk' I was using was a table I found in a similar fashion. It took a few minutes before I realized that a desk with drawers, even if not in top condition, was better than a table with no drawers and wobbly legs! So, after about 15 minutes, I wrangled the desk up stairs, the table downstairs, cleaned it up, and now have a very lovely desk! One expense I now don't have to plan for! WOO!

So this might be hard...

I did my weekly shopping today, and am disappointed that I didn't spend less money, but feeling pretty good that I managed to reduce my impulse spending. It is clear that my spending for groceries will be less this month than what had become my normal (TOO high!), but probably not as good as I'd like it to be.

I also had another misstep. I'd run out of milk, so did buy a chai from a coffee shop one morning last week because I was so tired after staying up too late reading about someone who is asking the US to boycott buying Girl Scout cookies this year because Girl Scouts of Colorado let in a transgender girl to be a part of a troop if she wants. See more here. Suffice to say, I was torn! Reality is Girl Scouts is an organization who works to help girls speak up for what they believe in... and perhaps that is just what this girl is doing. But then I did go to their website.... I feel more sorry for this young girl now... I'm doubtful that she did this all on her own initiative.

I bump up against this conundrum on occasion. I purport to be so open and accepting, but how to deal with those who are judgmental or hateful? Isn't it just as bad to hate on someone who is being hateful?

Anyways...

I'm so incredibly proud of Girl Scouts, an organization I've belonged to for 22 years, and one that I will belong to the rest of my life. We are open and accepting as an organization and are providing such great opportunities to girls. I don't know who I would be without the touch of this organization on my life.

So, buy Girl Scout cookies starting on Saturday! Girls will be coming around door to door with cookies in hand this year! The proceeds from this go in part to the troop itself, the local council, and a small portion to the national organization. Before you say no to a girl, remember that she has a goal and a dream and selling cookies will help her get there. That seems worth at least $3.50 to me!

** my Girl Scout troop sold enough cookies last year to finance a camping trip to Sand Dunes national park, and had enough left over to get all the girls their new vests and books as they bridged up a level! That's some serious moola folks! **

My sister and I sometimes get together in Boulder on Sundays after she's done working at her Sunday job. It has always included lunch out, as well as browsing on Pearl Street (and luckily infrequent purchases!). I'm not sure how to reconcile this in 2012 - and as evidence I did spend money for lunch out at our favorite "in the rear" pizza place.

On the other hand, I will be spending very little this week for my food supplies. I purchased some on sale vegetarian sausage on a splurge (it's so good and so very rarely on sale!) and these two box lunches that were intriguing. I also paid for part of the Saturday dinner supplies - but being with my sis on Friday-Sunday am meant that my meal planning for those two days last week just got moved to this week! All in all I probably spent about $20. Not bad!

This seems pretty easy so far. I just need to figure out how to deal with Sundays in Boulder....

the benefits of tidying up!

I have just a few more hours left till a three day weekend comes to and end, and with it the avoidance of certain tasks. UHG!

One thing I tend to do when I'm procrastinating is clean and tidy my desk, my apartment, whatever is at hand. Well, a huge benefit to doing this today was finding a partially used book of forever stamps! It looks like I'll be in stamps for a good while, since one of the last purchases of 2011 was a book of stamps, knowing the price will be increasing soon.

That doesn't help me with what has to be done.

I also saw The Artist today, using the birthday gift card from my dad. It was great - so cool to see a silent film on the big screen. I found myself very glad that I'd taken the class in college about film of the 1920s. It really was a huge transition to the talkies, and many didn't think they'd last. The movie uses this history as the background to the film, and it's true what the critics and news writers are saying - it feels very much a tribute to filmmaking and its past. Some great cinematography. One shot particularly reminded me of Citizen Kane (which I finally saw, feeling guilty it had taken this film minor so long to see it... I did not particularly enjoy it!) at the angle it was set (both askew and from a lower to the ground perspective). The camera certainly benefitted its actors.

Funniest of all, at one point something was occurring that in a 'talkie' would have made a sudden, loud noise. The moment was somewhat intense/suspenseful, and I found my hands moving up to cover my ears! In a silent film! It makes me wonder about what it would have been like to grow up with silent films and then see a talkie.

I suppose I should remind myself that it was a productive day - even if not in the way I'd hoped. I did lots of laundry (and no using the dryer either - it is all hanging up in the bathroom!), tidied a bit, saw a great movie, finished a good book. A great weekend, if it weren't for tasks I'd liked to have done hanging over my head. I hate how I can guilt myself with that.

Onwards to a new day! The only bad thing that has happened in 2012 is my toughness on myself. I've only talked to people I love, I've only spent money on things I need, and have had delicious food! A great year so far :)

One of the things I've been curious to find out more about, when reading the blogs of others on spending fasts, is how much they get paid a month. I do not get a bundle, and it is hard to imagine having as much success as others when I see what I get per month.

I know I'll be saving, and that is all that matters, but I'm wondering what my results will look like comparatively.

I'm excited to have started the fast because it reminds me of when I first got my job, 3.5 years ago. I was so excited by the thought that if I saved 1/2 my salary a year, I'd be able to pay off student loans within a few years. Well, I hadn't yet factored in the cost of living in my new town, not on a graduate school budget.

So while I might not be able to put 1/2 of my yearly earnings towards savings/loans, I look forward to figuring out exactly how much I can put towards debt. It might be something more like 1/8th of my salary, but it will be 1/8th more than I did before!

The Challenge of a Spending Fast

I realized this AM that I had said I was going to get a tattoo, buy some boots (finally) and save for a new desk in 2012, two of which I had thought would occur shortly after the new year.

The desk can wait. I would like a real desk, but I should be thrifting for it rather than purchasing it from Ikea (which I have still avoided despite it's much anticipated opening) or elsewhere. My table works just fine, and is less bothersome now that my hulk of a 11 year old computer has been recycled and I have my nice (used) new macbook!

I suppose the boots can wait too. I don't really have a good skirt or dress to wear with them anyway. The socks I got for Christmas I can still wear (knee socks!), and the leggings can keep me warm till warmer weather allows me to wear flats with them.

The tattoo.... I'm still waffling over it anyways, partially just the pure fact it is a tattoo (really!? I never thought I would!), but also with the anticipated expenses in 2012 I'm wondering if this is a wise use of my money right now. And NOW with the spending fast I'm planning.... hmmm. I'm sure I could come up with a justification. Maybe I live a year with it in henna. I have enough henna to probably get me through most of the year.

Hmmm. In little ways I'm realizing how this will be very challenging. I guess I didn't realize how easily I let myself purchase things when I should have saved up for them. I could say I'd saved for the tattoo... I do have good savings right now. But I think that needs to go to Telluride with me.

And on the other hand it's exciting! I could really change my life in new ways with this fast. So I suppose no tattoo for now.

Testing the Waters!

Today I shared with a friend about my spending fast. Her birthday approaches on the 3rd, and since we typically do lunches for birthdays, I thought it would be considerate to let her know of my decision.

She was wonderful! She suggested a "stay in" sort of lunch and folks would order if they wanted, and I could still join them but pack my own lunch. What a great reaction!

And then walking home I got to thinking about the food from my favorite Chinese place, whom I haven't been able to order from since before Thanksgiving because the phone call never goes through. I hope they aren't closed. It may not be 2012 yet, but I took it as a chance to practice. Success! I had a great salad at home, some bread with jam, and dreams of Chinese have left for the day.

I'm also practicing conserving energy - fewer lights on in the place, and I've successfully turned the TV off.

Spending Fast

Here it goes! I'm going to start a spending fast.

It has taken a while to get here... and I'm still not totally sure about it, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed I should just go ahead and do it whole hog.

I've been reading The Thrifty Social Worker's blog over the last few months and in addition to a writing style that is just up my alley and amusing, and an outlook on life that approximates my own, she has caused me to think. Also with a few thousand dollars of car repairs being done, as we speak, that I will owe back to my dad (but thanks to his interest free loan, and thank God for Dad!), an existing car loan, student loans, and not as much money in savings as I would like, I need to do something!

I think friends and family will understand. I hope so. It will be hard at times. At work birthdays are usually celebrated with a lunch out, that the birthday girl doesn't have to pay for. I think I'm going to have to back out of those. I'll just learn to make extremely satisfying cupcakes, perhaps! This Christmas our family started to back down from the extreme present-giving. Dad and Mom even donated to Heifer International in both my and my sister's names! This is totally new for our family, and was so incredibly welcome. I'm crafty and like baking, so am hoping this will get me through some of the rough spots as well.

So below I'm making a list of what I will, and will NOT, spend money on during 2012.

What I will have to spend money on:

Rent

Utilities (electric, internet): this should be an area I should see some good improvement in... I have a horrible habit of leaving the TV/VCR on when not watching it as background noise, and leave lights on more than I need. A terrible habit for someone who purports to be 'green!' Go back to completely line-dried clothing. I already cut the cable TV out last year, but could still cut down on my time in front of the tube!

Cell phone: I just found out that a different cell service provider offers my workplace a group discount! I am hoping to switch in February.

Food: I'm spending more than I feel like I should, so cutting down on total budgeted amount which means using what I have on hand (who doesn't like a stocked pantry?) and perhaps including cheaper meals from time to time (hello Dirt!). Cut down on food waste, cut coupons, search for deals.

Car stuff (loan, gas, maintenance, repairs): cut down trips taken so I don't fill up more than 3x per month. Use bike and eco-pass. Put money aside for car repairs and maintenance each month.

Student loan and loan from Dad: the loan from Dad was the final straw in moving me towards the fast. I need to have money saved up for emergencies, and I would like to pay down all my debt sooner than the creditors have on the list.

Insurance (renters and car).

Gym membership: the price is reasonable, and I want to be traveling and working with Girl Scouts in my 80s!

Doctor co-pays and medicine: as needed. Will use medicines in cabinet first before trying out something new. Visits to the doctor are pretty limited, and with the gym membership (and actually using it!) I'm hoping I won't need to go but once this next year.

Pet supplies: the pets have got it made! I'm not going to purchase toys, but will make with items on hand instead, and I'm hoping to find coupons.

Hygiene and home supplies: This is for shampoo, stamps, TP, etc... but the budget is small for these odds and ends. This includes things here and there that will help with gift making and giving. I will look for coupons and only purchase items on sale.

Other: a cousin may be getting married this summer, I've already got plans to travel to the Telluride Film Fest, and things like professional membership fees when not covered by work are going to have to fit into the budget in 2012, but I'm hoping to budget my money out to fit these costs in without detracting from my spending fast.

What I'm NOT spending money on:

Basically everything else... it actually doesn't seem like there's all that much more, but some of the items below, as well as overspending on groceries and other 'necessities' have caused the budget to rise too much.

Gifts (I've already been doing this for years to an extent, but this year I'm giving it a go at 100%)

Eating out (including tea out!)

Clothes (I will thrift as needed if clothes give out)

Movies (super hard, but am starting the year with a gift card so hopefully that will suffice! Also includes not purchasing Netflix but sticking with checking out items from DPL.)

Books, movies, CDs (all tend to be impulse bought)

"Doing a Spending Fast or a Spending Diet isn't a magical lottery ticket. It is hard work. It sucked at times. Some of my relationships really suffered because of it. I wanted to give up. There were a lot of really awkward moments. I messed up. It was hard. Did I already say that? Because it was (and continues to be)." - Anna Newell Jones (An Then She Saved).

I've got to remember the above statement (where the Thrifty Social Worker got her idea!). In the long run I'll be much happier to have a bunch of money saved up for emergencies, as well as saving for purchases rather than just purchasing them when I want them!

We'll see how this goes, but right now I'm excited!

Chance taken, moving foward

I've received a clear answer that dating is a no-go. A bummer, minus the fact that the kiss left a little to be desired.

Moving forward I am wondering about setting up some sort of online profile...

On the other hand, it feels like the magic goes out of it all. But can I rely on chance forever?

Today at work made me remember the great wide open, full of possibilities for my future. I wonder what is next?

Next, of course, being not for a while since I've got goals here I still want to accomplish, and lessons left to learn!

Working for the positive.

I'm tonight trying to remember that whatever happens, I took charge and acted to take my life in a positive direction.

It's possible there'll still be a date, just isn't going to happen tonight.

Still working on positivity and also working to declutter my life. This decluttering has been a project for at least 6 months or so now, maybe as few as 4 months. It feels fantastic! I moved around the stuff in my 'dining' room today (a bookshelf and cat litter box/food etc) and because I had to take everything off the bookshelf to move it (and who knew that linoleum could be dented or completely sunk through by the foot of a bookshelf!?), I've been working through everything on the shelf: keep, recycle, scan and then recycle. I have a huge pile of recycle. I'm finally getting to a place where recycling old school stuff feels OK. This has been something I've worked with my entire life. The need to keep school stuff, but not really ever needing it. School texts too. I've got a bag full of old texts to take to work for donation... that somehow feels better than outright giving them away. This bag has books totaling over $100... probably way more.... I guess I always feel like I might need them or need them for reference later in life, and would hate to have to buy them again.

I need to remember that the library is always there, and by the time I would want to use these texts, newer, more accurate ones will be available!

So, thinking about continuing to work through my bookshelf stuff, while trying to stay positive.

taking charge #2

Date number 2 is tomorrow night for a movie. Still taking charge, primarily in continuing to remember what I want out of any dating these days. It feels pretty good, particularly getting to have a second date too!

taking charge

I didn't know what my first step was going to be, and I feel like I've made the first step anyways with my positivity journal, however I asked someone out yesterday, and we have a date tomorrow night!

So excited!!!

A new year and what it could be...

I'm now a new year older, and am so incredibly happy be be so. My last year of life was... a year of learning (according to Kyoko). Other people might call it bad or challenging. I don't think people would really call it good.

-Car repairs of over $1000

-Bell's palsy

-loosing my movie buddy as a casualty of maybe starting to date

-car accident resulting in totaled car

-needing to purchase a new car (which I LOVE!)

-work shit

-realizing my self confidence is not what I had thought it was

-Lawrence

All of this actually adding up to a year that was full of learning. Now, I love learning, but this was a bit much (and I feel like I might actually be missing something on there). I'm going to settle for my next year being one that is a little more calm. Learning how to build my self confidence up again so the next time I'm found lacking at work (I have to think there's going to be a next time, whether it is my doing or not) I'm not left in as sad a state as this summer. I also want to make progress towards figuring out whatever is next for me in life. I don't have any clue what it is. Lately I'm wondering if in fact it will not require a move out of state. I fell in love with Telluride this summer, and it reminds me of when I lived in Summit County for a summer. ...

Anyways, my first step towards stabilizing and building my self confidence is a journal of sorts. The intent is to put things in it that make me happy, and remind me of how awesome I am. I looked around a bit on the internet and can't find anything that really is a good example of what I am doing. It's not much of a journal because I don't do much writing in it. I'm one of those people who likes to cut things out of magazines. I'll often go through them before I toss them into recycling to find things to cut out. This habit has really paid off in the last year since I have been able to use these cuttings for activities with my GS troop, but also have been able to pull things out for this journal I'm working on. So it contains clippings from magazines that have caught my attention (and since I tend towards positivity, this really works!), random unison prayers from church that I liked, notes from friends and family that remind me how wonderful I am, quotes from people I admire or that mean something to me. Pretty graphics now and then, notes about meaningful conversations I've had with friends.

A great example is a conversation my friend Lisa and I had probably about a year ago. We were both griping to each other about work, and she came up with a brilliant idea to move us towards positivity. We each gave each other three compliments. The three she gave me were fantastic, and I've thought about two of them constantly over the last year. The first one she mentioned went right to the heart of something that has always frustrated me. I cry easily. She was able to see my tears as something that symbolizes that I'm highly empathetic. I think of it as her giving my tears to me as a gift. WOW! This realization really helped me these last six months to have those words in my mind, and probably saved me a lot of heartache. I have something in my journal about this experience with Lisa.

So, that's step number one. I think step two is to formulate a goal for this new year of life. What do I want to accomplish, what do I want this next year to mean...

I'm looking forward to seeing what happens this year!