My sister and I sometimes get together in Boulder on Sundays after she's done working at her Sunday job. It has always included lunch out, as well as browsing on Pearl Street (and luckily infrequent purchases!). I'm not sure how to reconcile this in 2012 - and as evidence I did spend money for lunch out at our favorite "in the rear" pizza place.

On the other hand, I will be spending very little this week for my food supplies. I purchased some on sale vegetarian sausage on a splurge (it's so good and so very rarely on sale!) and these two box lunches that were intriguing. I also paid for part of the Saturday dinner supplies - but being with my sis on Friday-Sunday am meant that my meal planning for those two days last week just got moved to this week! All in all I probably spent about $20. Not bad!

This seems pretty easy so far. I just need to figure out how to deal with Sundays in Boulder....

the benefits of tidying up!

I have just a few more hours left till a three day weekend comes to and end, and with it the avoidance of certain tasks. UHG!

One thing I tend to do when I'm procrastinating is clean and tidy my desk, my apartment, whatever is at hand. Well, a huge benefit to doing this today was finding a partially used book of forever stamps! It looks like I'll be in stamps for a good while, since one of the last purchases of 2011 was a book of stamps, knowing the price will be increasing soon.

That doesn't help me with what has to be done.

I also saw The Artist today, using the birthday gift card from my dad. It was great - so cool to see a silent film on the big screen. I found myself very glad that I'd taken the class in college about film of the 1920s. It really was a huge transition to the talkies, and many didn't think they'd last. The movie uses this history as the background to the film, and it's true what the critics and news writers are saying - it feels very much a tribute to filmmaking and its past. Some great cinematography. One shot particularly reminded me of Citizen Kane (which I finally saw, feeling guilty it had taken this film minor so long to see it... I did not particularly enjoy it!) at the angle it was set (both askew and from a lower to the ground perspective). The camera certainly benefitted its actors.

Funniest of all, at one point something was occurring that in a 'talkie' would have made a sudden, loud noise. The moment was somewhat intense/suspenseful, and I found my hands moving up to cover my ears! In a silent film! It makes me wonder about what it would have been like to grow up with silent films and then see a talkie.

I suppose I should remind myself that it was a productive day - even if not in the way I'd hoped. I did lots of laundry (and no using the dryer either - it is all hanging up in the bathroom!), tidied a bit, saw a great movie, finished a good book. A great weekend, if it weren't for tasks I'd liked to have done hanging over my head. I hate how I can guilt myself with that.

Onwards to a new day! The only bad thing that has happened in 2012 is my toughness on myself. I've only talked to people I love, I've only spent money on things I need, and have had delicious food! A great year so far :)

One of the things I've been curious to find out more about, when reading the blogs of others on spending fasts, is how much they get paid a month. I do not get a bundle, and it is hard to imagine having as much success as others when I see what I get per month.

I know I'll be saving, and that is all that matters, but I'm wondering what my results will look like comparatively.

I'm excited to have started the fast because it reminds me of when I first got my job, 3.5 years ago. I was so excited by the thought that if I saved 1/2 my salary a year, I'd be able to pay off student loans within a few years. Well, I hadn't yet factored in the cost of living in my new town, not on a graduate school budget.

So while I might not be able to put 1/2 of my yearly earnings towards savings/loans, I look forward to figuring out exactly how much I can put towards debt. It might be something more like 1/8th of my salary, but it will be 1/8th more than I did before!

The Challenge of a Spending Fast

I realized this AM that I had said I was going to get a tattoo, buy some boots (finally) and save for a new desk in 2012, two of which I had thought would occur shortly after the new year.

The desk can wait. I would like a real desk, but I should be thrifting for it rather than purchasing it from Ikea (which I have still avoided despite it's much anticipated opening) or elsewhere. My table works just fine, and is less bothersome now that my hulk of a 11 year old computer has been recycled and I have my nice (used) new macbook!

I suppose the boots can wait too. I don't really have a good skirt or dress to wear with them anyway. The socks I got for Christmas I can still wear (knee socks!), and the leggings can keep me warm till warmer weather allows me to wear flats with them.

The tattoo.... I'm still waffling over it anyways, partially just the pure fact it is a tattoo (really!? I never thought I would!), but also with the anticipated expenses in 2012 I'm wondering if this is a wise use of my money right now. And NOW with the spending fast I'm planning.... hmmm. I'm sure I could come up with a justification. Maybe I live a year with it in henna. I have enough henna to probably get me through most of the year.

Hmmm. In little ways I'm realizing how this will be very challenging. I guess I didn't realize how easily I let myself purchase things when I should have saved up for them. I could say I'd saved for the tattoo... I do have good savings right now. But I think that needs to go to Telluride with me.

And on the other hand it's exciting! I could really change my life in new ways with this fast. So I suppose no tattoo for now.

Testing the Waters!

Today I shared with a friend about my spending fast. Her birthday approaches on the 3rd, and since we typically do lunches for birthdays, I thought it would be considerate to let her know of my decision.

She was wonderful! She suggested a "stay in" sort of lunch and folks would order if they wanted, and I could still join them but pack my own lunch. What a great reaction!

And then walking home I got to thinking about the food from my favorite Chinese place, whom I haven't been able to order from since before Thanksgiving because the phone call never goes through. I hope they aren't closed. It may not be 2012 yet, but I took it as a chance to practice. Success! I had a great salad at home, some bread with jam, and dreams of Chinese have left for the day.

I'm also practicing conserving energy - fewer lights on in the place, and I've successfully turned the TV off.

Spending Fast

Here it goes! I'm going to start a spending fast.

It has taken a while to get here... and I'm still not totally sure about it, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed I should just go ahead and do it whole hog.

I've been reading The Thrifty Social Worker's blog over the last few months and in addition to a writing style that is just up my alley and amusing, and an outlook on life that approximates my own, she has caused me to think. Also with a few thousand dollars of car repairs being done, as we speak, that I will owe back to my dad (but thanks to his interest free loan, and thank God for Dad!), an existing car loan, student loans, and not as much money in savings as I would like, I need to do something!

I think friends and family will understand. I hope so. It will be hard at times. At work birthdays are usually celebrated with a lunch out, that the birthday girl doesn't have to pay for. I think I'm going to have to back out of those. I'll just learn to make extremely satisfying cupcakes, perhaps! This Christmas our family started to back down from the extreme present-giving. Dad and Mom even donated to Heifer International in both my and my sister's names! This is totally new for our family, and was so incredibly welcome. I'm crafty and like baking, so am hoping this will get me through some of the rough spots as well.

So below I'm making a list of what I will, and will NOT, spend money on during 2012.

What I will have to spend money on:

Rent

Utilities (electric, internet): this should be an area I should see some good improvement in... I have a horrible habit of leaving the TV/VCR on when not watching it as background noise, and leave lights on more than I need. A terrible habit for someone who purports to be 'green!' Go back to completely line-dried clothing. I already cut the cable TV out last year, but could still cut down on my time in front of the tube!

Cell phone: I just found out that a different cell service provider offers my workplace a group discount! I am hoping to switch in February.

Food: I'm spending more than I feel like I should, so cutting down on total budgeted amount which means using what I have on hand (who doesn't like a stocked pantry?) and perhaps including cheaper meals from time to time (hello Dirt!). Cut down on food waste, cut coupons, search for deals.

Car stuff (loan, gas, maintenance, repairs): cut down trips taken so I don't fill up more than 3x per month. Use bike and eco-pass. Put money aside for car repairs and maintenance each month.

Student loan and loan from Dad: the loan from Dad was the final straw in moving me towards the fast. I need to have money saved up for emergencies, and I would like to pay down all my debt sooner than the creditors have on the list.

Insurance (renters and car).

Gym membership: the price is reasonable, and I want to be traveling and working with Girl Scouts in my 80s!

Doctor co-pays and medicine: as needed. Will use medicines in cabinet first before trying out something new. Visits to the doctor are pretty limited, and with the gym membership (and actually using it!) I'm hoping I won't need to go but once this next year.

Pet supplies: the pets have got it made! I'm not going to purchase toys, but will make with items on hand instead, and I'm hoping to find coupons.

Hygiene and home supplies: This is for shampoo, stamps, TP, etc... but the budget is small for these odds and ends. This includes things here and there that will help with gift making and giving. I will look for coupons and only purchase items on sale.

Other: a cousin may be getting married this summer, I've already got plans to travel to the Telluride Film Fest, and things like professional membership fees when not covered by work are going to have to fit into the budget in 2012, but I'm hoping to budget my money out to fit these costs in without detracting from my spending fast.

What I'm NOT spending money on:

Basically everything else... it actually doesn't seem like there's all that much more, but some of the items below, as well as overspending on groceries and other 'necessities' have caused the budget to rise too much.

Gifts (I've already been doing this for years to an extent, but this year I'm giving it a go at 100%)

Eating out (including tea out!)

Clothes (I will thrift as needed if clothes give out)

Movies (super hard, but am starting the year with a gift card so hopefully that will suffice! Also includes not purchasing Netflix but sticking with checking out items from DPL.)

Books, movies, CDs (all tend to be impulse bought)

"Doing a Spending Fast or a Spending Diet isn't a magical lottery ticket. It is hard work. It sucked at times. Some of my relationships really suffered because of it. I wanted to give up. There were a lot of really awkward moments. I messed up. It was hard. Did I already say that? Because it was (and continues to be)." - Anna Newell Jones (An Then She Saved).

I've got to remember the above statement (where the Thrifty Social Worker got her idea!). In the long run I'll be much happier to have a bunch of money saved up for emergencies, as well as saving for purchases rather than just purchasing them when I want them!

We'll see how this goes, but right now I'm excited!

Chance taken, moving foward

I've received a clear answer that dating is a no-go. A bummer, minus the fact that the kiss left a little to be desired.

Moving forward I am wondering about setting up some sort of online profile...

On the other hand, it feels like the magic goes out of it all. But can I rely on chance forever?

Today at work made me remember the great wide open, full of possibilities for my future. I wonder what is next?

Next, of course, being not for a while since I've got goals here I still want to accomplish, and lessons left to learn!

Working for the positive.

I'm tonight trying to remember that whatever happens, I took charge and acted to take my life in a positive direction.

It's possible there'll still be a date, just isn't going to happen tonight.

Still working on positivity and also working to declutter my life. This decluttering has been a project for at least 6 months or so now, maybe as few as 4 months. It feels fantastic! I moved around the stuff in my 'dining' room today (a bookshelf and cat litter box/food etc) and because I had to take everything off the bookshelf to move it (and who knew that linoleum could be dented or completely sunk through by the foot of a bookshelf!?), I've been working through everything on the shelf: keep, recycle, scan and then recycle. I have a huge pile of recycle. I'm finally getting to a place where recycling old school stuff feels OK. This has been something I've worked with my entire life. The need to keep school stuff, but not really ever needing it. School texts too. I've got a bag full of old texts to take to work for donation... that somehow feels better than outright giving them away. This bag has books totaling over $100... probably way more.... I guess I always feel like I might need them or need them for reference later in life, and would hate to have to buy them again.

I need to remember that the library is always there, and by the time I would want to use these texts, newer, more accurate ones will be available!

So, thinking about continuing to work through my bookshelf stuff, while trying to stay positive.

taking charge #2

Date number 2 is tomorrow night for a movie. Still taking charge, primarily in continuing to remember what I want out of any dating these days. It feels pretty good, particularly getting to have a second date too!

taking charge

I didn't know what my first step was going to be, and I feel like I've made the first step anyways with my positivity journal, however I asked someone out yesterday, and we have a date tomorrow night!

So excited!!!

A new year and what it could be...

I'm now a new year older, and am so incredibly happy be be so. My last year of life was... a year of learning (according to Kyoko). Other people might call it bad or challenging. I don't think people would really call it good.

-Car repairs of over $1000

-Bell's palsy

-loosing my movie buddy as a casualty of maybe starting to date

-car accident resulting in totaled car

-needing to purchase a new car (which I LOVE!)

-work shit

-realizing my self confidence is not what I had thought it was

-Lawrence

All of this actually adding up to a year that was full of learning. Now, I love learning, but this was a bit much (and I feel like I might actually be missing something on there). I'm going to settle for my next year being one that is a little more calm. Learning how to build my self confidence up again so the next time I'm found lacking at work (I have to think there's going to be a next time, whether it is my doing or not) I'm not left in as sad a state as this summer. I also want to make progress towards figuring out whatever is next for me in life. I don't have any clue what it is. Lately I'm wondering if in fact it will not require a move out of state. I fell in love with Telluride this summer, and it reminds me of when I lived in Summit County for a summer. ...

Anyways, my first step towards stabilizing and building my self confidence is a journal of sorts. The intent is to put things in it that make me happy, and remind me of how awesome I am. I looked around a bit on the internet and can't find anything that really is a good example of what I am doing. It's not much of a journal because I don't do much writing in it. I'm one of those people who likes to cut things out of magazines. I'll often go through them before I toss them into recycling to find things to cut out. This habit has really paid off in the last year since I have been able to use these cuttings for activities with my GS troop, but also have been able to pull things out for this journal I'm working on. So it contains clippings from magazines that have caught my attention (and since I tend towards positivity, this really works!), random unison prayers from church that I liked, notes from friends and family that remind me how wonderful I am, quotes from people I admire or that mean something to me. Pretty graphics now and then, notes about meaningful conversations I've had with friends.

A great example is a conversation my friend Lisa and I had probably about a year ago. We were both griping to each other about work, and she came up with a brilliant idea to move us towards positivity. We each gave each other three compliments. The three she gave me were fantastic, and I've thought about two of them constantly over the last year. The first one she mentioned went right to the heart of something that has always frustrated me. I cry easily. She was able to see my tears as something that symbolizes that I'm highly empathetic. I think of it as her giving my tears to me as a gift. WOW! This realization really helped me these last six months to have those words in my mind, and probably saved me a lot of heartache. I have something in my journal about this experience with Lisa.

So, that's step number one. I think step two is to formulate a goal for this new year of life. What do I want to accomplish, what do I want this next year to mean...

I'm looking forward to seeing what happens this year!

Success so far!

Today is Wednesday and I've successfully commuted alternatively all three days of work so far. I walked to work today to celebrate that I don't have GS today (it's tomorrow to get ready for cookie season), and ended up taking 2 hours total commuting... it takes me 10 minutes to bus or drive my car to work typically! This is because on the way there I walked to my bank and my favorite coffee house before work this AM (totally worth it!) and on the way home walked to my library to return some DVDs before heading home. An hour each way of exercise and thinking.

Awesome!

I'll be driving tomorrow because I have to be out in Aurora at 5:30 for Girl Scouts to get ready for the Cookie Rally. But, since this week is a 6 day work week I'm thinking about commuting alternatively 5 out of the 6 days... we'll see how I feel once I get to Saturday!

And to compound my feelings of being a little bummed out about being single, starting tonight I'm now going to look even less alluring in bed thanks to my new night guard. It's not the fancy $xxx one from the dentist, it's just from Walgreens, but hopefully it will help me stop clenching, thus creating the lovely popping jaw I now possess!

A New Year!

With some of the texts I've been reading lately, while I'd like to make a whole plethora of goals (not resolutions... goals are measurable!), I've been learning that humans have limited willpower and if I want to be successful I need to be measured in my approach to the new year. Makes sense, because for a goal to be successful it also needs to be measured.

So, my goal for the new year is:

I will commute to work alternatively at least 4 days per week. At least one day per week will be walking to work.

I figure this could take care of some of those health-related resolutions by also saving me money and helping the environment. I've been bothered lately because I was selected to be a member of the Wild Ride team because of my commitment to commuting without a single-occupancy vehicle. Well, I've been doing incredibly badly at this, and yet have been getting some great gear and fun stuff for free because of this "commitment" I'd made.

So far so good! I've done great the first two days of commuting. Tomorrow I'm planning on walking because I have some checks to cash and movies to return. And no Girl Scouts tomorrow because of the Cookie Rally on Thursday instead.

Anyways... onward to a great new year! I'm young and happy and single and loving life!

I've been doing well since Grandma's funeral. We all needed that time to mourn, and while I still think I'm mourning a little bit, I've let her move on. We had a nice reception after the funeral, lots of family, distantly related family and friends. I was able to reconnect with a favorite past teacher so I can keep in better touch with him now. That was awesome. And I spent some quality time with my sister, and we've been in better contact since I got home.

Since then I've been thrown into full "Docent Training preparation" mode and I'm coping as best as possible. I got a little pit of fear in my stomach that despite what my VP said in the past, that she'll say something different now, and all preparations will have been for naught.

Girl Scouts keeps plugging along. I'm learning my 'place' in the troop. My co-leader is upset about something I did, but we can't find the time to sit down and talk about it. It reminds me of the time a former boyfriend told me there was something he wanted to talk about in April, but didn't want to actually talk about it till I was done with my thesis. That was agony! Suffice to say, we broke up in June, and the thesis that was supposed to be done in July wasn't done till November.

Return and Sad News

I am back from NYC and had a wonderful time. I was disappointed by a few of the sessions, two of which I had shared with the Zoo as ones that would apply to my work with them and not just Girl Scouts. I was very disappointed by the one about working with different generations - I was most excited about it and then after all that it was such a dud where I was more likely to be offended by it than learn anything from it. The session about feedback for facilitators was good and I was way advanced for it because of my experience with the Zoo and our mentoring program.

I've learned from the last PD opportunity I got to go to (Trainer's Day Camp) that I need to be very purposeful about sitting down after to process what I experienced and make a plan. I appreciated that this Learning and Development conference worked that into the days. Even if it wasn't enough time for me to process it was enough time to start and also to prove to me that yes, I do need to think about this more when I get home. Plus, I have two ways to incorporate this information that I'll have to think about using.

The extra night in New York City was very worth it. It was perfect, minus how my travel companion sometimes rubs me the wrong way.

And then when I returned to Denver at 9pm I get two voice mails. One from Mom and one from Dad, both saying to call. My grandma has died. She died when I was trying to relax and ogling the good looking guy sitting next to Maureen on the airplane ride home. It feels strange to say I'll miss her, because I haven't seen her in over a year. She just turned 97. She took care of me as a kid - we spent a good portion of every summer at her house, eating mac and cheese and chicken nuggets, playing in the school yard just beyond her yard, climbing the trees in her yard.... I'll miss you Grandma.

New York!

I'm really looking forward to this next trip. More than what I'll be doing, it's the location. I've never been to New York (yet I've been to Mexico twice now!), and am so glad I decided to stay an extra night in the city. Plus, I've been hearing about Macy for years and years, and now I get to go and get my pin too!

Turns out the next trip is not going to be Mexico in October, but Kansas City in September. Sheesh. I probably shouldn't have gone if I looked only at money, but on the other hand, it's Shannon's wedding reception, and school will be in session and I haven't been to Kansas since 2006. It's time. I'll probably drive out to save some cash, so if anyone wants to road trip with me, just let me know:)

As for the Mexico trip with Girl Scouts... it's not that I'm less enchanted and excited, but with the research I'm supposed to have been doing I'm less excited and more nervous that I won't manage to get anything to contribute. At least I'm taking the camcorder to the conference in New York... hopefully I can get some good interviews with women there to pull together into a video for the event, even if I'm not able to get the actual research/paper writing done. Don't get me wrong... I am excited about Mexico and looking forward to meeting everyone and learning more about leadership, but I'm also preparing for Docent Training at the same time... uhg.

So the benefit to having my sister over this weekend (aside from the obvious!) is that my apartment is now clean and tidy... something I won't have to do before I leave for the airport! Woo!

We had an amazing Girl Scout meeting Wednesday, despite two of our girls missing (though perhaps that had something to do with it?). We made trefoils and the girls had to pick their favorite part of the Promise or Law and then decorate the trefoil with images and stickers related to that. Then I'm taking everything that they said and revising our group agreement based on what the 4 new girls said they thought was most important.

I'm learning it's always good to have back up projects, because we have some girls that finish really fast. Luckily we were able to get the girls going on their WOW journey maps so they got something accomplished they needed to get done while the other girls finished their trefoils.

I love this troop, and this was just the sort of meeting I needed. Occasionally meeting every Wednesday starts to feel burdensome.

I've not been incredibly successful researching about women and leadership in the USA so far... too much is going on and my evenings this week have been consumed with other activities. Good activities. I almost got myself a roommate but decided I couldn't manage a move before August! Though it does make me a little sad, I would have loved living with Catherine.

The research is for my WLDP (WAGGGS Leadership Development Program) experience coming up this October at Our Cabaña. SOOOOO excited!

And in the latest news my work 'girlfriends' are all at least 40 years older than me! We had a wonderful time last night in Jan's amazing backyard laughing, drinking, eating and gossiping!

We now have 7 girls in our Girl Scout troop and I've started to come to a realization after our wonderful meeting yesterday, with only 4 girls, one of whom had to leave before we'd really done anything.

I came into being a troop leader with the assumption that we could do anything, travel, earn gold awards, etc. After a dose of reality of running the troop with my co-leader since late January, that is still a goal, but a very long-term goal. It's all we can do to get all our girls at the meeting any given week, or attending one of our field trips.

If we end up providing the girls a safe place, and help them become more focused and understand how to work in a group, we'll have done a good job. Opening up different opportunities for them too is a huge plus, like our idea of bringing in a person to talk to the group from each of the different areas in which they want to work. We have three future vets!

I am feeling oddly positive after our recent meeting despite my realization that my goals to start should be smaller. Perhaps I'm just learning the reasoning behind why SMART goals are important!

Let it Snow!

The veggie sushi at the beginning of March with Adam and Stephanie was better than I could have ever imagined! Evenings like that make it easy to be vegetarian.

Visiting the family at home does not make it easy. They tempted me with corned beef and Swedish meatballs... epic fail on my part, except that I'm really mostly doing this for health which I think allows a few digressions. My other big reason is consistency and avoiding hypocrisy. If I'm going to be a meat eater, I want to eat everything (tendons, skin, etc), which I'm utterly incapable of doing. I just feel so wasteful. So, the meat went and 90% of the time I manage to avoid meat. It's visiting the family that becomes hard, because on my own I really have no problem.

We're in the middle of a typical spring blizzard here. I LOVE it! I'm not surprisingly one of the only ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to the spring weather, but I think I can tolerate the snow we get in the spring because they are so epic typically and because we have such balmy days in between (especially this year). Plus, there's just something about a huge snowstorm that makes me so happy! Perhaps I feel this way because I don't have something uber important tomorrow. But even last Friday when we had the huge snowstorm and I was planning to travel home, I felt perfectly fine. I even have to be careful of my work computer now and cover it with a plastic bag and move it out of the corner now and I still love this heavy, wet, deluge of snow! (turns out for all the benefits of moving into my lovely new office, it's in the leaky corner of the building, so whenever we get heavy wet snow it starts dripping through the roof!)

I can't believe how quickly the year is going. Already we're towards the end of March! This week I start another Guide Training class (my third!), and next weekend is an Easter weekend trip with Laura!

GS and work update

Luckily for me this last month has passed very quickly, because it has been full of moving stress at work as nearly everyone in our department packed up and moved to a new desk. The library, which I am responsible for, also moved, and that was a task to get done, believe me!

Girl Scouts has been going very well! Slowly our troop is growing, and now we have 4 total girls, though one is not super reliable if she's going to be at the meetings or not. My co-leader and I finally decided we needed to lay down some ground rules, which I am kinda glad that we didn't do that right away. Hopefully the girls have had enough fun so far that they want to stick around, and Bobbi and I were very honest about it all too. We made a group agreement that Bobbi and I agreed to as well, and then our next meeting will be a parent's meeting to share the group agreement with, and a court of awards ceremony, though I'm not completely sure that we've actually earned any tri-its yet.

I hope it's OK that we're making our juniors earn tri-its for the rest of this year. It's just easier to keep them as one grade level. Since we have 3rd graders and 5th graders who with the old model would have been a troup together we thought it would be OK. Our 3rd graders seem advanced and our 5th graders seem less so. Next year will be juniors and probably the year after unless we need to just bridge the older girls to Cadettes. It seems like it might be easier to do what the older girls need and find a way to fit the junior badges into the interest patches. And hopefully the journeys will align well enough that it's not like having two separate troops trying to accurately meet the needs of our girls.

As a trainer with Girl Scouts I always thought that I'd be the by-the book leader... HA! We're doing good by our girls as best we can, even if we technically aren't a troop yet (we need 5 girls I believe) or even if our 5th graders are doing brownie-level work. I think these girls really need us because their families seem a little bit less stable then what I grew up with. It doesn't seem like any of these girls have very many friends at school, which is so surprising. They seem like such sweet, nice kids. :(

On the whole I'm very much enjoying doing Girl Scouts as a leader. It's such a new experience from training and from being a leader. I'm starting to look forward to doing some more training since I'm getting an idea of how to actually lead now!

OK, off to work! Then veggie sushi with Adam and Stephanie for dinner!